This photo shows my fear that I’ll never fully wake from the nightmare of depression, anxiety, panic, isolation, insomnia... This photo is a glimpse through my eyes. It shows what I see as l navigate my way through the everyday: Distortion, shadows, filth, confusion, fear and obstacles. Nothing is as it seems. Not even me. People congratulate me on the success I’ve achieved, the progress I have made, the job I’ve kept for 2-1/2 years. They see someone who has gone from living in pajamas behind locked doors to a woman that works everyday. If only I could see that in me. lf only I could see the world that they see. I may present wellness outwardly, but inwardly l struggle privately and shamefully. As one of the "walking well" I am not sick enough to be declared disabled, but not well enough to join the world.
Depression colors everything I see. I live in a decent part of town in a nice neighborhood, but when I spied a piece of that neighborhood framed by a bullet hole I thought "How Perfect!" Through me runs a current of despair, hurt, sadness, and hardness. Depression is the lens that is always there.
Consumed by the world around me. This is what I feel this photo shows. I am a shadow upon a shadow. Just another blurred reflection bouncing off the glass. The buildings bend and twist and yet another bus that I need to catch goes by. Anxiety, fear, panic root me to the spot. I remember I have my camera and even though you can’t feel what I’m feeling, you can at least sense what I see.